Friday, December 17, 2010

Day 110

"...I would say a New Yorker is someone who has come to this place to run wild with their healing." -Timothy Levitch

A few of New York's nearest and dearest...

JM was my first NY crush. It was his eyes. I didn't think twice about his moody, reclusive, cynical persona or his fucked up teeth, or the fact that he was short and probably took twice as long on doing his hair than I did. I thought he was gay. He wasn't, but did have a girlfriend. It took a year for their relationship to end and for him to ask me out. He told me I was right up his alley, the girl of his dreams. It was two months of sex, drugs, his narcissistic bullshit and using me to get over the ex. He left me high and dry, literally, in my apartment coming down from him and dope. Lovely it was. Turned out he went right back to the ex, stayed on the dope train until he overdosed, and finally figured out the ex was just a security blanket. Months went by where we'd pass eachother without a hello. He finally found me on the sidewalk one day and apologized for the way things went down. Said he had figured some things out and was changing. I accepted his apology and a month later we were holding hands again, staying up all night talking, listening to music or watching Dexter and having the best sex he's ever had. He hasn't changed though. I'd like to think he has but he's still the same fuck face (he says it's hot when I call him that) he's always been and I deserve better. I'd never put up with someone like him but he has a hold on me that I can't put my finger on.

I remember the first day I met CB. There was the texting first, about my hipbones, him dressing me in a string of lights. When we met for the first time in person I was tequila drunk, wasted really. I insisted I see him while he tried to tell me that he respected me more than having me over to his house busted drunk for a first date. I was giggly and sloppy and he held my face and said, "Look at you." We made out, I slapped him, he wasn't happy, I passed out. I felt beside myself in the morning, wondering how I managed to be so gross with someone that I would later come to realize I perhaps had fallen in love with a bit, through our far and few conversation and face time. This is the longest stint we've had of not speaking, maybe because he never really put in that much effort and I, on a daily basis, have to remind myself of that. I still think about him everyday, wonder if he thinks about me. I wonder if he knows how I feel about him, that I could possibly and foolishly marry him tomorrow without a second thought. I can't even explain why or how it is the way it is, only that I've never had feelings like this before for someone I know so little.

KB was and well, still is, just cute. Maybe because he's a kid, almost eight years younger than me and at times was over the top goofy. We played scrabble on our first date in his dorm room (fuck me for even dating someone who lived in a dorm room). I left thinking, cute kid, this one's going to be a friend and it turned out he was just smitten all over me. We had a few months of fun until I realized he had a pill problem thanks to a car accident. I helped him get clean and when he couldn't deal with the reality of being clean, having feelings for a girl and about to move across the country he kicked me to the curb. He's so smart and determined, now in the Peace Corps, yet still holds a flame and likes to talk about our future. It's sweet. I of course can't think that far ahead, let alone where my head will be next week but it's nice having him in my life and to romanticize about the possibility that we could have a future. I suppose I could fall in love with him but it always seems that we are never in the same place at the same time. But I adore him.

RB was a kid too. He even felt the need to lie about his age, as if 22 was any better than 21. He was sexy and funny and made me feel like I was sixteen. We would smoke pot and play in the park, throw eggs from my rooftop and talk about moving to San Francisco together. He made me feel like I was the only girl he had though I knew he was quite the player during our existence. I pretended too, pretended I was in love even though I was still dating and having feelings for others on the side. I had never had so much fun with someone all the while being so attracted physically and I mistook all that for love. He was my longest standing relationship during my NY time, just over a year. We eventually fizzled out and stayed good friends, which also fizzled out and now I hardly talk to him. I miss him. I can only imagine what kind of man he will be in ten years. That thought's often crossed my mind...he'd be perfect with a little maturity.

I'm diluted, right back where I started.


Monday, November 15, 2010

Day 109

He says, "I love your face..."

Just some words that have come my way, I've liked, and put in my pocket...

"People protect what they love."
Jacques Cousteau

"Every man, when he gets quiet, when he becomes desperately honest with himself, is capable of uttering profound truths. We all derive from the same source. There is no mystery about the origin of things. We are all part of creation, all kings, all poets, all musicians; we have only to open up, only to discover what is already there." Henry Miller

"For a heart stained in anger grows weak and grows bitter. You become your own prisoner as you watch yourself sit there wrapped up in a trap of your very own chain of sorrow."
"Bruised Orange" a John Prine cover by Justin Vernon of Bon Iver

"Nothing is important, so people realizing that, should get on with their lives, go mad, take their clothes off, jump in the canal, jump into one of those supermarket trolleys, race ‘round the supermarket and steal Mars bars and, y’know, kiss kittens and sit on the back of breadvans. Whatever makes people happy they should do it, ‘cos time is a mere scratch and life is nothing." Morrissey

"If I like you, that means at least one of these things: you are disinterested, I am scared to admit I like you so I am not going to call you back, I will write about the possibility of us everywhere, I will email my best friend about your voice, you are not single, you don’t know my name, I really have to know what your favorite sort of music is, I like to eat green apples and think of you, I didn’t mean to become your best friend but now I don’t know how to tell you I think I am in love with you, you are not my type but I like your t-shirt (and your eyelashes), I am an idiot, you are beautiful, I really want to call you, I didn’t see you today so I am going to yell at everyone, you are miles away, I am desperate, you don’t even know me, I want to get drunk with you, let’s sleep under the sky together, I wonder if you would ever like to wake up next to me, I want you for my birthday." Mehmet Erdogan

"I thought, there is nowhere else in the universe I would rather be at this moment. I could count the places I would not rather be. I’ve always wanted to see New Zealand, but I’d rather be here. The majestic ruins of Machu Picchu? I’d rather be here. A hillside in Cuenca, Spain, sipping coffee and watching leaves fall? Not even close. There is nowhere else I could imagine wanting to be besides here in this car, with this girl, on this road, listening to this song. If she breaks my heart, no matter what hell she puts me through, I can say it was worth it, just because of right now. Out the window is a blur and all I can really hear is the girl’s hair flapping in the wind, and maybe if we drive fast enough the universe will lose track of us and forget to stick us somewhere else." Robbert Sheffield, Love is a Mix Tape: Life and Loss, One Song at a Time

"A crisis is a gift, an opportunity, and perhaps a manifestation that life loves us, by beckoning us to go beyond the dance we presently perform."
Leslie Lebeau

"Sometimes when I'm at McDonald's, I wait until nobody is looking, and then I stick my hand inside the straw dispenser and touch all the straws." David Bowie

"I used to walk down the street like I was a fucking star. … I want people to walk around delusional about how great they can be — and then to fight so hard for it every day that the lie becomes the truth."
Lady Gaga

"Record stores are one of my favorite places in life. I hope they live forever with Santa and Peter Pan." Luke Lalonde of Born Ruffians

I say, "I love you..."


Friday, October 22, 2010

Day 108

Gracie Slick...

Matthius Heiderich

Julien Papaud

I really notice and love your great sense of humor, straightforwardness, pride with humility, love for your family, your intelligence, quick mind, beautiful eyes, and your super-awareness. I greatly appreciate your support of me, your ability to ask for what you want, and your willingness to listen. I love your zest for life, inner-strength, and adventuresome spirit. All my love always, Dad


Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Day 107

"You are so beautiful..."

I find it very painful to care about someone so much who has such a distorted view of what love is. Painful because I want to share with him what I feel but even more so because he's missing out on what true love is. He's amazing and we connect and he gets under my skin. But it's only for those moments we have together. There's never anything to look forward's all about here and now. But then again, I'll catch him looking at me from afar, often, and maybe that's just the beginning.

Good night. Thank you Ambien.


Wednesday, October 13, 2010

10.13 Day 106

"I'd like to see you to try to walk tomorrow..."

A Christopher Mills animated short film set to "Collect Call" by METRIC, from the album FANTASIES.

2 down.


Monday, October 11, 2010

10.11 Day 105

I'd be crazy not to follow...

Perhaps my favorite song of all time.

One year ago I fell in love. To the month, almost the day, I think I'm falling in love with him all over again. Last October we were making out in bar bathrooms and doing heroin before his shows. This time it's laying in the park, drinking w
ine, staying up all night talking and playing guitar and him not being able to stop kissing me before we go to sleep. I love the way I feel when I'm with him and that scares me. Love scares me. Love with him scares me, and this is why...

Deep breaths little one...


Friday, October 1, 2010

10.01 Day 104

Fridays are a good day to sit in the corner of a bar and think about what you've done...

My friend shot this a few weeks ago. I think it's a keeper...

A few goodies...

I often wonder why some men feel the need to blurt out the first thing that comes to their mind when they see an attractive woman. Is it fearlessness? Did mom not raise you right? Missing seed up in that head of yours? It's not quite appealing to a woman to hear "sexy" or "nice ass" from across the street. I try to feel appreciation, will sometimes say thank you and then scurry away as fast as my little legs will allow to avoid any conversation.
And then there are the boys who start off sweet and polite. They make easy and quick conversation, compliment me, usually on my eyes or hair, make comments about my tattoos. I say thank you, wrap up what little conversation was to be had, wish them a good day and make my way out. But they just don't quit. this guy really going to follow me? Ugh.
But then there are the worst ones of all...the ones I'm interested in...the ones that express interest in me, make eye contact, perhaps say a few kind words, but leave it at that. And those are always the ones that make me scream inside, "ask a fucking girl out for fuck's sake!"
Dating is such a bitch. It's as if there's no medium. It's all gross or beautiful with nothing in between. Even when things seem to be leaning towards the beautiful side of the scale, it will end with gross.

That is all.


Wednesday, September 29, 2010

9.29 Day 103

I'm ready for big changes, new beginnings, and shifts shall take place...

NYC from Cdow on Vimeo.

I'm listening!


Sunday, September 26, 2010

9.26 Day 102

Reality depresses me. I need to find fantasy worlds and escape in them. -Noel Fielding

Perhaps "fuck off" might be too kind...
When I came to NY I was in love with a relationship that had ended a year prior. I don't even think I loved "him" anymore, just the idea of letting go of us terrified me after seven years in with him. I held on to it for so long, the idea of us, that I lost who he was in the meantime. I lost me too. But I got over it. I realize now, as much as I still care about him and adore him, he's not even what I wanted.
For the past two years I've been a single dating whore and loved every minute of it. The idea of love scared me...the vulnerability, the idea that someone may depend on me, the fact that I would have to give up my "me time", change the way I do certain things...I came to a point where I thought I'd never fall in love again and I was ok with it. Being single was fun. I liked being alone and when I wanted it, I had company. I was always meeting new people, always dating a few people simultaneously, semi serious or not. I was learning about myself, figuring out what I wanted in relationships, having good sex, not feeling needy and needed.
Somewhere between then and now I once again fell in love with love. And it really pisses me off because I don't like wearing my heart on my sleeve. And I don't like it when boys make me cry.

Today wasn't supposed to be like this.