Friday, December 17, 2010

Day 110

"...I would say a New Yorker is someone who has come to this place to run wild with their healing." -Timothy Levitch

A few of New York's nearest and dearest...

JM was my first NY crush. It was his eyes. I didn't think twice about his moody, reclusive, cynical persona or his fucked up teeth, or the fact that he was short and probably took twice as long on doing his hair than I did. I thought he was gay. He wasn't, but did have a girlfriend. It took a year for their relationship to end and for him to ask me out. He told me I was right up his alley, the girl of his dreams. It was two months of sex, drugs, his narcissistic bullshit and using me to get over the ex. He left me high and dry, literally, in my apartment coming down from him and dope. Lovely it was. Turned out he went right back to the ex, stayed on the dope train until he overdosed, and finally figured out the ex was just a security blanket. Months went by where we'd pass eachother without a hello. He finally found me on the sidewalk one day and apologized for the way things went down. Said he had figured some things out and was changing. I accepted his apology and a month later we were holding hands again, staying up all night talking, listening to music or watching Dexter and having the best sex he's ever had. He hasn't changed though. I'd like to think he has but he's still the same fuck face (he says it's hot when I call him that) he's always been and I deserve better. I'd never put up with someone like him but he has a hold on me that I can't put my finger on.

I remember the first day I met CB. There was the texting first, about my hipbones, him dressing me in a string of lights. When we met for the first time in person I was tequila drunk, wasted really. I insisted I see him while he tried to tell me that he respected me more than having me over to his house busted drunk for a first date. I was giggly and sloppy and he held my face and said, "Look at you." We made out, I slapped him, he wasn't happy, I passed out. I felt beside myself in the morning, wondering how I managed to be so gross with someone that I would later come to realize I perhaps had fallen in love with a bit, through our far and few conversation and face time. This is the longest stint we've had of not speaking, maybe because he never really put in that much effort and I, on a daily basis, have to remind myself of that. I still think about him everyday, wonder if he thinks about me. I wonder if he knows how I feel about him, that I could possibly and foolishly marry him tomorrow without a second thought. I can't even explain why or how it is the way it is, only that I've never had feelings like this before for someone I know so little.

KB was and well, still is, just cute. Maybe because he's a kid, almost eight years younger than me and at times was over the top goofy. We played scrabble on our first date in his dorm room (fuck me for even dating someone who lived in a dorm room). I left thinking, cute kid, this one's going to be a friend and it turned out he was just smitten all over me. We had a few months of fun until I realized he had a pill problem thanks to a car accident. I helped him get clean and when he couldn't deal with the reality of being clean, having feelings for a girl and about to move across the country he kicked me to the curb. He's so smart and determined, now in the Peace Corps, yet still holds a flame and likes to talk about our future. It's sweet. I of course can't think that far ahead, let alone where my head will be next week but it's nice having him in my life and to romanticize about the possibility that we could have a future. I suppose I could fall in love with him but it always seems that we are never in the same place at the same time. But I adore him.

RB was a kid too. He even felt the need to lie about his age, as if 22 was any better than 21. He was sexy and funny and made me feel like I was sixteen. We would smoke pot and play in the park, throw eggs from my rooftop and talk about moving to San Francisco together. He made me feel like I was the only girl he had though I knew he was quite the player during our existence. I pretended too, pretended I was in love even though I was still dating and having feelings for others on the side. I had never had so much fun with someone all the while being so attracted physically and I mistook all that for love. He was my longest standing relationship during my NY time, just over a year. We eventually fizzled out and stayed good friends, which also fizzled out and now I hardly talk to him. I miss him. I can only imagine what kind of man he will be in ten years. That thought's often crossed my mind...he'd be perfect with a little maturity.

I'm diluted, right back where I started.