Sunday, September 26, 2010

9.26 Day 102

Reality depresses me. I need to find fantasy worlds and escape in them. -Noel Fielding

Perhaps "fuck off" might be too kind...
When I came to NY I was in love with a relationship that had ended a year prior. I don't even think I loved "him" anymore, just the idea of letting go of us terrified me after seven years in with him. I held on to it for so long, the idea of us, that I lost who he was in the meantime. I lost me too. But I got over it. I realize now, as much as I still care about him and adore him, he's not even what I wanted.
For the past two years I've been a single dating whore and loved every minute of it. The idea of love scared me...the vulnerability, the idea that someone may depend on me, the fact that I would have to give up my "me time", change the way I do certain things...I came to a point where I thought I'd never fall in love again and I was ok with it. Being single was fun. I liked being alone and when I wanted it, I had company. I was always meeting new people, always dating a few people simultaneously, semi serious or not. I was learning about myself, figuring out what I wanted in relationships, having good sex, not feeling needy and needed.
Somewhere between then and now I once again fell in love with love. And it really pisses me off because I don't like wearing my heart on my sleeve. And I don't like it when boys make me cry.

Today wasn't supposed to be like this.


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